Content Warning : This work contains references to and/or descriptions of intimate activity by a woman, between two women, and also other sexual possibilities. In addition, Joxer's inability to recognize the relationship between our favorite gals is lampooned. If seeing him impugned or the presence of subtext offends you or the lawmakers of your area, don't read this.
Spoiler Warning : The town name of Echinacea is taken from "The Quill is Mightier" - which was also (indirectly) the primary inspiration. The bacchae bite from "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun," is mentioned, but no real spoilers from any episode are actually used.
Author's Note : The muse was upon me. This is a short PWP of sorts, with no set time in the series. It's a trifle explicit, but no real anatomical detail is given, though there is little doubt about what's happening. Still, it's more of a matter of misdirection - or perhaps delusion. We are dealing with Joxer, after all. And before you get your panties in a bunch over this fact, rewatch "The Quill is Mightier," with the "awoke with a jerk" bit and you'll see that this isn't out of character for the series at all - well... except for the explicit and outright alt parts. Besides, this is simply brain candy I wrote while waiting for "End Game" and "Ides of March" to air. Regardless... Enjoy!
Botany Disclaimer : I'm quite cognizant of the lack of certain plants, vegetables, and fruits in Greece - but that are mentioned in here. However, since X:WP has tomatoes ("The Black Wolf") and I swear I remember an extra in the background of a marketplace scene asking the price of kiwis, I don't feel too badly about ignoring such piddling details. Mea culpa.
Xenite Disclaimer : Gabrielle's thirst was well and thoroughly quenched after the production of this work.
*****
"I don't get it."
- Joxer the Mighty, "The Quill
Is Mightier..."
*****
Humming to himself, the great and noble warrior, dubbed by adoring women everywhere "The Mighty," strode boldly through the night darkened forest. His homemade armor rattled softly with every step as he searched for his missing warrior chums.
Back in Echinacea, he'd heard of Xena and Gabrielle's passage through town, and he just knew that whatever urgent task called them away from that simple village simply couldn't be completed without the assistance of the Mighty Joxer. "Too bad they didn't know I'm nearby," he mumbled to himself, "but maybe a surprise is better. They'll be so glad to see me..."
He trailed off, lost in a fantasy of their ecstatic welcome. "Oh Joxer, at last you've returned to me," his vision of Gabrielle purred breathlessly in his mind, "Yes - thank Zeus you've arrived!" Xena would tell him. "We need you!"
Chortling in delight at the delightful daydream, Joxer hurried down the path. The full moon overhead dimly illuminated the trail before him, speeding him on his way.
Joxer stopped midstep, falling mute as a faint sound reached his ears. Cocking his head, he cupped a hand under the flared brim of his helmet, encircling his ear. With the added boost to his hearing - or more likely with the lack of his armor's rattling as he stood still - he could vaguely hear what sounded like a moan coming from the darkness ahead.
"A-ha!" he cried out, then ran headlong towards the source of the sound.
"gab-RI-ELLE!" Xena's voice rose in a gasping cry, guiding him to the location of the womens' camp.
Bursting into a firelit clearing, he momentarily froze as a brief flash of pale bronze ducked into the thick foliage on the other side of the clearing. So swiftly did that indistinct form move he couldn't quite tell what it was. It left only a few frond-like leaves swaying to mark its passage.
Xena? he briefly wondered, then shook his head. She must be finding something to eat. Turning his attention to the woman who was in the campsite, he was brought up short. Kneeling by the fire on a bedroll was a vision of beauty, and he felt his heart begin to pound at the very sight of her. She was facing away from him, towards the rustling leaves left in the wake of the retreating form, but even so, he would recognize her anywhere. "Hi, Gabby!" he called cheerfully.
Gabrielle slowly turned to face him, eyes clenched tightly shut as she muttered to herself, "No. It can't be..."
"Yup, it's me!" Joxer giggled.
Eyes reluctantly opening, Gabrielle looked up into the would-be warrior's eyes. "Joxer," she flatly identified him.
"That's me! Say - where's Xena?"
"She's," Gabrielle began, then stopped, reconsidering her answer. Glancing around the campsite (and more importantly, at the various articles of the warrior's clothing and armor that lay strewn about), she wondered not for the first time about Joxer's lack of observation skills. Despite catching them in flagrante delicto, he still didn't quite seem to realize what they had been doing, she mused. "She's checking the perimeter," she finally told him.
"She must have just missed me, then," Joxer nodded.
"No, I'd say you just missed her," the Amazon queen muttered sourly. Sure, Xena had been naked when he burst into the clearing, but that was no excuse to abandon her right on the edge. Every time Joxer joined them the warrior princess found an excuse to leave her alone with him - and her explanations for that fact were getting ever more transparent. Making a mental note, she reminded herself yet again to discuss the issue with her - at great length.
"I heard her call your name, so she must have seen me coming."
Gabrielle swallowed her laughter with an effort. "No, I think she was coming... er, I mean, you must be right."
Looking closely at her, Joxer's expression grew a trifle grave. "Say, are you alright? You look a little flushed."
Gabrielle squirmed, wishing she'd kept her breeches on beneath the short leather Amazon skirt she was wearing - no matter how eager she'd been to discard them earlier. Without them, she had to be careful how she moved or else not even Joxer would be able to miss getting an eyeful. "No, no; I'm fine. I was just a little... hot... so Xena was having me, um... drink... some... juices."
"Well if you're sick, juices can be the best thing for you," Joxer helpfully supplied.
"They're pretty good even if you're not sick," Gabrielle muttered, rolling her eyes yet again.
"That must be what's all over your face, then," Joxer noted, nodding his agreement.
Blushing, Gabrielle hurriedly wiped her lips and cheeks clean, drying them with Xena's bedroll. "Thanks for pointing that out."
"No problem," he smiled. "You must have spilled when I surprised you."
"You surprised us all right," she muttered to herself. Louder, she simply agreed with him. "Right."
"You know, you do look pretty flushed. Maybe you better drink some more," he tentatively ventured.
"Believe me, I want to, but," Gabrielle sighed. It wasn't really Joxer's fault, she reminded herself. No matter how annoying - and frustrating - his latest intrusion had been, it was an accident. He just seemed to have the worst timing. "There's no more... juices here." she concluded. Squirming, she silently amended her thought, of Xena's anyway.
"I could give you some," he tentatively offered.
Gabrielle choked back a laugh, making her snort indelicately. "You should be so lucky," flashed through her mind. "Sorry," she politely declined his offer, keeping her expression bland. "The kind I like, only Xena can give me. It's... special."
Joxer frowned, considering that response. Xena did have many skills... "Maybe I could learn how to get you some. Where's it come from? How's it made?"
"Well, I do sort of help her make it," Gabrielle admitted, rolling her eyes a bit. He seemed wholly incapable of catching the faintest hint of what had really been going on when he burst into their campsite. True, it saved her from some embarrassment, but trying to explain things to him was always so trying afterward...
"So tell me!" Joxer enthused, sitting down with a rattling crash. He liked fruit a lot - which was a good thing, since he often had to make do with what he could gather along the roads he wandered. Maybe if he learned how to make Xena's special blend, he'd be able to supplement his diet and have a tasty treat whenever he wanted. Jase had always said he was good in the kitchen, he remembered.
"Well..." Gabrielle began, a bemused light entering her eyes as she contemplated his request. After a moment's thought, a wicked smile briefly crossed her face, but she swiftly masked it behind a thoughtful frown. She'd dropped subtle hints, not-so-subtle hints, and even outright told him what she and Xena did while alone - and now he'd even walked in on them - yet he still failed to grasp reality. Maybe if she could force him to actually think about her words...
"Well, I suppose I could explain the process. It's easy enough - and fun, too." Now there's an understatement, Gabrielle told herself.
She smiled as she considered the proper phrasing, then began to explain the process, "First, you have to peel the source. Remove every scrap of covering. It doesn't matter where you throw it," here she surreptitiously glanced at Xena's breeches - which were dangling from a branch at the edge of the clearing (having been flung away in a particularly energetic moment) - "but make sure you take it all off."
"So the source of the juice has got a peel," Joxer muttered to himself, causing Gabrielle to smile. "Okay," he agreeably uttered, even though he didn't get it. "What next?"
"Well," she continued, warming to her subject, "you start at the top, with two perfect globes. They're not too hard, nor so soft that they sag. I'm always delighted by what Xena shows me, so I like to spend a lot of time with them.
"Xena finds that kind of amusing. She says I have an oral fixation - but I think she likes that about me. But that part of it comes later. Anyway, I personally like to nibble and slurp; really take my time with this part. And the smells," she trailed off and shivered before she continued, moaning, "Ooh, leather, and hyacinth and cinnamon. Scrumptious. It's a little noisy and messy, but it's a whole lot of fun - and it really makes the tips of them swell and stand out."
Joxer's brows lowered. Fruit with tips and rinds? Exactly what kind of juice did Gabrielle like? "Navel oranges?" he wondered. "Lemons?"
"I usually can't help myself; I just have to lave them thoroughly. Then, squeezing gently, I work those delicious mounds with my fingers and mouth until we're both ready for the next step."
Confused by the details and the contradictory images her words conjured in his mind, Joxer could ask only, "The next step?"
Nodding, Gabrielle smiled. "Oh yes," she breathed. "Anyway, while my hands keep caressing and stroking those firm swells, I work my way lower with my mouth, running my lips slowly and tantalizingly over the damp, rippling surface."
"Watermelon?" he wondered silently. "I suppose the rind could be considered rippled - in color, anyway. But didn't she say it should be peeled already?" Frowning in incomprehension, he gestured vaguely for her to continue, and after a moment's pause, she did.
"I sometimes like to play with the little divot as I go, cleaning it with my tongue until it shines with saliva." Gabrielle's mouth began to water, images of her recent exploration of Xena's navel filling her head. "Xena just shakes all over when I do that. It's so adorable - and exciting."
Joxer blinked in confusion. Divot? Oh, he realized. The little bit at the end, where the vine connects to the fruit. But why would she like to lick it, and why would Xena like it so much? Must be a female thing, he thought.
"I bypass the most important part," Gabrielle murmured, more to herself than to Joxer as she began to really get into her story, "the source, and nibble along the firm, smooth lengths of flesh flanking the center. The skin is so tender, so smooth and delicious." She moaned throatily, her skin glistening with sweat in the firelight. "And sensitive, too. That really gets the juices flowing - for both of us."
"Do bananas even have juices?" Joxer mused. "Maybe she means plantains. Are cucumbers fruit? Could be rhubarb..."
"Now," Gabrielle continued breathlessly, squirming where she knelt, "I'm ready to really dig in, but I delay my advance, teasing her as I slow the pace. Some people don't like the dark fuzz, but I just love it. I'm perfectly happy to stroke it, running my fingers over it and through it as I play with it... I even kiss it, and I think Xena likes that, too."
Holding up a finger in realization, Joxer's eyes lit up. "Kiwis!"
Ignoring his outburst, Gabrielle continued to speak, her eyes dreamy as she inconspicuously and unconsciously squirmed, rubbing herself against her thighs and the fabric of her skirt. "But my mouth is really needed for the next step, so I keep going. Sinking lower, I probe the moist cleft with my tongue. That's when I taste the juices for the first time."
Joxer's eyes narrowed. He was sure when she'd talked about dark fuzz, she meant kiwi fruit, but with a cleft, it had to be a peach. This recipe for making this special juice was very confusing, he thought silently.
Gabrielle's face grew even redder than it had been when Joxer first entered the clearing, and she began unconsciously rocking back and forth, her hips undulating as each word passed her lips. She licked her lips as she added, "I circle and dart my tongue around it, feeling the texture of it, and glorying in the flavor and shape, stroking the inflamed tissues while darting into the heart."
Joxer frowned. Maybe it was because she was bard, but her descriptions were too florid for him to really follow the recipe. What made her stories about Xena's travels so exciting and stimulating were making a simple technique for gathering juices too confusing to understand. She was in full bard-mode, obviously enjoying herself as she drew out the "story," but she was glossing over too many important details for him to understand it.
Frankly, he wasn't even sure what she was describing half the time. Why couldn't she just plainly say what kind of fruit it was? It wasn't that hard to get the juices out of fruit, so why was she turning it into such a complicated production. And for that matter, why was she always talking about using her mouth? Sure you drink the juices eventually, but if she's making a special blend, shouldn't she collect it for mixing first?
Unheeding of Joxer's wandering attention, the bard continued, giving voice to the delectable images floating through her thoughts. "Without halting my tongue, I sink my fingers inside. I pierce into those sweet and tangy depths as I grip taut skin, unleashing a flood of juices to fill my mouth with savory delight." Gabrielle groaned, and added, "My nails scrape the damp skin, and I use my teeth to gently nibble the delicate flesh, milking more and more out of it for me to lap up." She unconsciously licked her lips, purring like a kitten that had gotten into the cream.
The bard's thighs rubbed together as she slowly moved, secretively stimulating herself. Between the lingering excitement from her aborted encounter with Xena, the sensations her movements were sending racing through her core, and the fantasy playing itself out in her mind, she was all but awash in desire, and she couldn't help but stoke the heat burning deliciously in her core despite Joxer's attentive presence.
"Peaches," Joxer nodded to himself. "Definitely peaches." Now we're getting somewhere, he thought.
"With my free hand, I reach behind, and begin to rub the second, firmer set of globes, feeling the warm rigidity of their smooth curves as I tease them - even lightly spanking them - until they turn a delicious red, glowing with heat under my exploring hand."
"Apples, too?" he thought to himself. "Maybe mangoes? Can't be cantaloupe - they're brownish. But didn't that merchant - Salmoneus - tell me something once about Gabrielle and her tomatoes..."
Gabrielle's hips began to move in abrupt jerking motions, squeezing herself deliciously between clenched thighs as her voice began to crackle with an almost electric intensity. Gasping breaths interrupted her sentences, and Joxer had to listen carefully to make sure he heard each step she described. Gabrielle was almost beyond speaking, and her faint dialogue forced him to close his eyes in order to concentrate on hearing her words over her panting.
"Then," she panted, "then I lift my mouth, and using my tongue, bring out the small, ruddy bud growing above. I can tell its swollen with excitement, all but bursting as it grows before my eyes." Her hips moved faster as she neared fulfillment, and her chest heaved as she gasped in lungfuls of air.
"Eagerly I take that sweet nub between my lips and suck while my hands continue to work, licking and teasing and stroking and caressing and rubbing and thrusting and pinching and biting and probing and sl... and s... and... and... I'm THERE!" Gabrielle screeched, arching her back and quivering as her hips shook spasmodically. She rode out her climax, biting her lip to keep from crying out as her core quivered in a self-induced orgasm of heroic proportions.
"A cherry to top it off!" Joxer cried out in pleasure. At least one ingredient was obvious. No, wait, he realized an instant later. Maybe she meant a cranberry... or even a raspberry. What kind of color was ruddy anyway? Was it purple enough for her to mean red grapes? And what did a loganberry look like, anyway? Sometimes understanding a bard was really difficult, he thought with a subdued sigh.
Gabrielle simply breathed deeply, reveling in the afterglow of her pleasure. Despite her contentment, she barely managed to suppress a sudden burst of laughter as Joxer's comment worked its way through the fog clouding her pleasure-drenched mind. "A cherry?" After her years as a warlord, that was hardly a suitable description for Xena. Male, female, or other, the Warrior Princess had sampled virtually everything the world had to offer. Not that she really minded; experience in an instructor was important - and Xena was a very good instructor.
"This seems much too complicated, Gabrielle," Joxer complained, opening his eyes and shaking his head in dismay when he realized that she was done and he hadn't managed to understand a single one of her instructions. "Maybe you should," he paused as he noted her sweaty, unsteady limbs and thoroughly flushed face. "Oh no! You must be getting worse," he worried. "I'd better go get Xena."
"No!" Gabrielle cried out. "No. I'll go. I think I need some more juice. Right now. Besides, I don't want you to catch anything we're doing - er, anything I might have." Swiftly she gathered up her bedroll and Xena's leather underdress in her arms, blushing even brighter as the dampness bedewing her thighs reminded her what she'd done - and in front of Joxer no less. He was unobservant, but there were limits to even the worst obliviousness - though even with her thoughtless indulgence she didn't seem to have surpassed his.
"Are you sure? I worry about you," Joxer frowned in discontent.
"I'm positive," Gabrielle immediately proclaimed. "You just stay here, and Xena will take care of me." And I'll take care of her, she mentally added. "And Joxer?"
"Yes?"
"No matter what you hear : stay here, alright? You might get hurt if you wander into the forest alone." If Xena doesn't hurt him the next time he interrupts us, I will, she promised herself. Coitus interruptus would be exceedingly painful if it happened again - for him.
Joxer smiled pleasantly at the flushed and sweaty young woman as he settled in more comfortably by the fire. "Of course." He decided not to mention the small wet spot that was visible on her skirt. She wasn't feeling well after all, and probably couldn't help herself.
"Good," Gabrielle smiled in gratitude, then all but ran out of the clearing, plucking the warrior princess' undergarments from the tree as she went.
Lying down on Xena's abandoned bedroll, Joxer sighed and settled in for the night. Suddenly his brow beetled and he sniffed delicately at the furs where Gabrielle had dried her face, trying to identify the source of the aroma. What kind of juice had Gabrielle been drinking? he wondered.
Halting her flight in a glade near a stream, Gabrielle tentatively called into the night, "Xena!"
"Right here," was whispered from behind her.
Gabrielle spun, dropping her burden as she threw herself into Xena's arms. Claiming already passion-swollen lips once more with her own, she kissed her lover mightily, lips hungrily consuming the warrior's mouth. Gods, was she excited! she panted to herself.
Xena smirked as Gabrielle's mouth sank lower, until she was suckling her neck near the faded scar of her bacchae bite. "I was watching you, Gabrielle," she breathed into her lover's ear. "I saw what you did, you naughty girl, and listened to your," she paused meaningfully, then finished, "recipe."
The bard blushed, but didn't still her movements. She writhed sweetly in the warrior's embrace, rubbing herself against Xena's naked body until she was staring up into lust-darkened icy blue eyes. "Good. Then you know what I want."
Xena's smile in response was blinding, and together they sank down onto the hastily repositioned bedroll.
Back in their original campsite, Joxer mumbled and scratched himself as he tried to sleep, then abruptly sat up, his eyes widening as a sudden realization struck him. "That's it!" he cried out. "the ingredient must be passion fruit!"
A faint breathless giggle carried to him on the breeze was the only response.
The End
BONUS!
The idea for this struck me, and I just couldn't get it out of my head. Obsessed? Me? Nah...
From the home office in Amphipolis...
Top 10 Signs You're Obsessed with Xena Fanfic
by Chris M.
and...
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These pages were last updated: May 25, 1999
© May 1999
URL: fruit.html