Warning/Disclaimer:- Xena, Gabrielle, Callisto and Ares belong to MCA/Universal and Renaissance Pictures and are used here for non-profit entertainment purposes. Dogface, Dr Weeird and Dr Graaduate are my own 'interesting' creations but feel free to incorporate them into works of fan fiction, with due credit to me! This is a comic script so hold onto your hands for a hilarious ride (did anyone actually attempt to do that??). Watch out for the Subtext - it'll trip you up every time. Yessssssss, a loving relationship beteen innumerable women is depicted (insert the word 'two' for the word 'innumerable', I thought I'd just spice up the Warning a bit and get thangs goin'...). That is of course to say nothing of the thoughts running through Callisto, Ares and Dogface's minds regarding a certain warrior and various positions. I'd have to say that many, many things were temporarily damaged in the writing of this piece of fan fiction. These include MY reputation (what reputation??? Gee, I guess not as much damage was done as I thought...), Ares' manhood - such as it is, Dogface's face - such as it is, Callisto's sense of humor about herself (chew on that for awhile!), Gabrielle's innocence - such as it was, Dr Weeird's sanity - such as it is, and last but never least, the readers' grasp on reality. The word 'interesting' was damaged beyond repair from overuse and sadly, never recovered. I recommend you send it some begonias.

Updated Warning:- This comic script was written some time after Ten Little Warlords and so takes place in that time frame. Aka, Xena and Gabby have not yet said, 'I love you', Gabby is blood innocent, Callisto is alive and godlike etc. If that means Spoilers or time-travelling vertigo for you than read this anyway! Ahem, I mean, avoid reading this - at least 'till I'm looking the other way, then read it! BTW I mean no disrespect to hardcore nutballs, seeing as how I am one and I'm going for therapy right about now...

DOC WEEIRD (APPREHENSIVELY)

Welcome all to our first group therapy session. I'm our host...uh psychiatrist, Doctor Weeird. Now um er (CONSULTS NOTES) yes, you're all here because you have something in common. You all suffer from what we at the University like to term the, 'Xena Fixation'. It manifests itself in many different forms, for example, Miss Callisto here experiences a continual urge to rip the aforementioned 'Xena' from limb to limb...

CALLISTO (INTERRUPTS)

I want to cut open her chest and pull out her still beating heart and spit on it and feed it to her nag and torture her 'till she screams for mercy and prostrates herself before me, vowing to serve only me in which case I will hang her over a slow fire and throw darts at her.

DR WEEIRD

That's it, Miss Callisto, get it all out! Sharing your feelings is healthy.

CALLISTO

After I torture and kill Xena, I'm coming after you...

DR WEEIRD (ABRUPTLY)

Enough! That's enough venting for now. I have to finish explaining about the various Xena Fixations. Now, Mr Ares not only is obsessed with pursuing an unhealthy one-sided relationship with his...(LOOKS AT ARES EXQUIRINGLY)

ARES

Disciple.

DR WEEIRD

Riiiiiiiiiight. Not only is Mr Ares obsessed with this 'Xena' but he also has classic delusions of grandeur - he claims to be God.

ARES

The god of war to be exact. Xena is rightfully mine!

DR WEEIRD

Uhuh. And little Lariel...

GABRIELLE

My name is Gabrielle. I'm madly, passionately, wildly in love with Xena.

DR WEEIRD

Have you told him how you feel?

GABRIELLE

She is a woman. And no, I haven't told her. Every time I try to, something always interrupts us. Plus, I'm afraid she doesnt' have those kind of feelings for me.

ARES & CALLISTO LOOK AT EACH OTHER WITH RAISED EYEBROWS. THEY CAN'T BELIEVE GABRIELLE IS THAT DENSE.

DR WEEIRD

So this Xena chap is trying to fool you all into thinking that he's a woman, hey? I'm beginning to think I should recommend him for therapy. Let's move on to our last group buddy. I believe your name is Dogface?

DOGFACE

Maybe. Maybe not. Wouldn't you like to know!

DR WEEIRD

No, not really. Our friend Dogface suffers from acute Xenaphobia. He's terrified that he will be hunted down like a dog.

DOGFACE

Xena said the next time she saw me she'd cut off the flow of blood to my...er sword. She's already cut off the flow of blood to my brain! I can't take much more.

DR WEEIRD

There, there, calm down, Dogface. This sanitarium is very secure. Nobody could get past all the security and bars and protocall.

ARES, CALLISTO, GABRIELLE & DOGFACE RAISE THEIR EYEBROWS, UNABLE TO BELIEVE THAT THE DOCTOR HASN'T HEARD OF XENA'S CAPABILITIES.

DR WEEIRD

I and my colleagues have found that often our mental problems or (GLANCES AT DOGFACE) deficiencies are caused by childhood traumas. Who would like to share first?

CALLISTO

When I was a little girl, Xena burnt my village to the ground and murdered and mutilated my family and friends.

DR WEEIRD

And how does that make you feel?

CALLISTO HISSES AT HIM. ARES & GABBY STARE AT HIM, UNABLE TO BELIEVE THAT HE IS SO INSENSITIVE.

CALLISTO

Funny, no-one's ever asked me that before. I feel an urge to murder and mutilate Xena.

DR WEEIRD

So you want to become exactly like this 'Xena'. You revere him that much?

CALLISOT (GIGGLES)

Something like that.

DR WEEIRD

Interesting. (SCRIBBLES ON HIS PAD: 'MAD BITCH') How about you go next, Ares?

ARES

I'm a god.

DR WEERD

We know you think that, Ares. Tell us about your childhood.

ARES

I just told you I'm a god.

DR WEEIRD

Oh. I see. The trauma in your childhood was so painful that you now deny ever having been a child in the first place. Interesting. How does this make you feel?

ARES

Godly? Like I could crush you if I felt like it?

DR WEEIRD (HURRIEDLY)

Your turn, Lariel.

GABRIELLE

It's Gabrielle, by Ares!

ARES

Don't you dare, 'By Ares' me, you irritating bratty blonde.

GABRIELLE

By Ares, my childhood was great. Only Ares knows that my Ma and my Pa loved me and my Ares-damned little sister looked up to me. I had no childhood trauma, I swear it on Ares' pathetic excuse for a goatee.

ARES HEFTS GABBY UP BY THE SCRUFF OF THE NECK. CALLISTO & DOGFACE EGG HIM ON.

DR WEEIRD (SCRIBBLES ON PAD, ARES: SEDATIVES)

Put your group buddy down, Ares. Stop trying to get attention.

ARES GRUDGINGLY COMPLIES. DR WEEIRD LOOKS POINTEDLY AT DOGFACE.

DOGFACE

I don't really remember my childhood. Since Xena cut off the flow of blood to my brain, I don't remember much of anything.

DR WEEIRD

You can do better than that, Dogface. Perhaps if I asked you some questions. Did your parents give you your rather er distinctive name?

DOGFACE

I think it's what Xena called me.

GABRIELLE (BEAMS PROUDLY)

She always did have a way with words.

DR WEEIRD

I'm going to say a word and I want you all to say the first thing that comes into your head. Ok? 'Friend'.

CALLISTO

What???

ARES

The brat.

GABRIELLE

Xena.

DOGFACE

Enemy.

DR WEEIRD

'Wine'.

CALLISTO

Forbidden.

ARES

More!!!

GABRIELLE

Climax.

DOGFACE

Happy.

DR WEEIRD

'Life'?

CALLISTO

Xenanuggggggghhhhhhhhhhh.

ARES

Xenammmmmmmmmmmmm.

GABRIELLE

DOGFACE

Xena? Ahhhh!

DR WEEIRD

We're not getting anywhere playing wordgames. Let's try what we at the University like to term, 'cooperation' and work out a way to get past this Xena Fixation. If you all spend so much time with this Xena, you must get into conflict with eact other occassionally. Why don't we air our differences and get any animosity out into the open?

ARES (BITTERLY)

If it weren't for that bratty bard, I would have Xena back by now! We would rule the world, side by side, killing all who stood in our way and plenty who stood beside our way...

DR WEEIRD (WRITES DOWN, ARES: VERY STRONG SEDATIVES)

Do I know this, 'bratty bard'?

GABRIELLE

He means me! Gabrielle! Gab..ri..elle. G. A. B. R. I. E. L. L. E.

DR WEEIRD

Interesting. (WRITES DOWN, LARIEL: PICKY, PICKY, PICKY. ALSO CHATTY, CHATTY, CHATTY. PERHAPS A GAG?)

ARES

I'd like to send you to Tartarus, Gab..ri..elle.

CALLISTO (ENTHUSIASTICALLY)

So would I! Oh I can see pretty Xena's pain right now, I can smell her fear and taste her despair! (ADVANCES ON THE BARD, HANDS OUTSTRETCHED)

DR WEEIRD

Miss Callisto. Something tells me you're a very sensitve person.

CALLISTO (ADVANCES ZOMBIE-LIKE ON DOCTOR)

Something tells me I'm gonna relish killing you.

DOGFACE (THOUGHTFULLY)

I've got nothing against you, Gabby, other than the occassional impulse to mug you, steal from you, sell you to the slavers and rape you. I am a sterotypical thug afterall.

GABRIELLE

I hope Xena cuts off the flow of blood to every organ in your body.

DR WEEIRD (PANTING)

That's it, Lariel - go with the raw emotion, show us your true twisted nature! (SCRIBBLES DOWN, 'BREAKTHROUGH - BREAKDOWN')

CALLISTO (OFFERS HER BARED THROAT TO GABRIELLE)

C'mon Gabby, lose your blood innocence. That would just kill, Xena! Kill me, slit my throat, c'mon!

DOGFACE

With what? Her blunt fingernail?

CALLISTO

Good idea, you can join my army. Show some spine, Gabby, tear my throat out with your fingernails. Or better still your teeth - you are an ex-bacchae aren't you? Surely those bloodsuckers taught you something of value.

DR WEEIRD

Interesting. Would someone fill me in? I'm not quite following.

ARES (ENJOYING HIMSELF IMMENSELY)

Gabby bites peoples' heads off and drinks their blood. Nothing special.

DR WEEIRD (WRITES DOWN, LARIEL: GET A RESTRAINING ORDER)

Interesting. At first, I was unsure whether you really belonged in my group, Lariel, but you've convinced me.

GABRIELLE (IGNORES CALLISTO'S NECK)

My name's Gabrielle and I don't belong here but I would like some advice. When should I tell Xena that I love her?

CALLISTO

Tell her from Elysia when she's burning in Tartarus. That'll give her the hots for you - we all want what we can't have. She'll spend all eternity yearning for you and suffering. Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

ARES (CRAFTILY)

Tell her your love is unconditional and you'd actually rather if she were a ruthless monster - it turns you on.

DOGFACE

Ask her to cut off the flow of blood to your mouth and you'll find a way to resist the urge.

DR WEEIRD

Find out first why he pretends to be a woman around you.

GABRIELLE

She is a woman. Just 'cause she acts macho doesn't mean she...

CALLISTO

Doesn't enjoy killing women and children?

ARES

Could make every male her boy-toy by batting her baby-blues?

DOGFACE

Finds me repulsive?

DR WEEIRD (WISELY)

I think we can safely say that we all find you repulsive, Dogface. Nothing personal. Would you like to finish, Lariel?

GABRILLE (EMPHATICALLY)

It doesn't mean that I can't have the best sex with her.

DR WEEIRD WRITES DOWN, 'LARIEL: DEFINITELY NEEDS TO BE GAGGED'.

ARES

You're soooooooo right.

CALLISTO (MIFFED)

Excuse me?! That was me in her spunky body, thank you very much!

ARES

Oh yeah, that's right, she was dead.

DR WEEIRD

So let me get this straight. Ares, you pursued an intimate relationship with a male corpse, pretending that it was a female while Callisto watched and took turns? Interesting.

DOGFACE

Even I'm not that sick and that's saying something!

DR WEEIRD

Lariel, does it bother you that Xena cheated on you with both Ares and Callisto?

GABRIELLE (FANGS START SPROUTING)

I'll rip them apart!!!

GABRIELLE FLYS FOR CALLISTO AND YANKS HER HAIR. CALLISTO HISSES AND YANKS GABBY'S HAIR. A ROYAL CATFIGHT ENSUES.

DR WEEIRD

There's something strangely familiar about this, almost as though I've watched this scene many, many times before. Break it up, ladies. (THEY SETTLE DOWN & START WEAVING VOODOO DOLLS OUT OF EACH OTHER'S HAIR) You're both quite attractive...(GLANCES AT DOGFACE) comparitively speaking. You don't have to settle for a degenerating body.

ARES (EVIL GRIN)

Don't get their hopes up, Doc.

DOGFACE (HOPEFULLY)

Do you think I stand a chance with this degenerating body, Doc?

DR WEEIRD

Oh yes, definitely. I advise you to go for it. It would be a match made in heaven.

GABRIELLE (FIERCELY TO WORLD AT LARGE)

Xena is mine!

ARES (TEASINGLY)

Is she really? In what way? You're wrong, Gabrielle, Xena's mine.

DR WEEIRD

Let's talk about being too possessive. I'm sure that there's enough of this lifeless body to go around. Corpses do tend to be detachable.

GABRIELLE (DECLARES)

Xena's more alive than anyone I know!

DR WEEIRD

Sad that, yes, verrrrry sad. You really should get out a bit more, Lariel. If you did, maybe you wouldn't be having these problems. Dogface, in the light of our discovery that Xena is dead, don't you think your fear of him is slightly irrational?

DOGFACE

She came back to life!

DR WEEIRD (CHUCKLES)

He came back to life, that's a good one! That's what we at the University term, a regular crack-up.

GABRIELLE (REBELLIOUSLY)

And you, Dr Weirdo, are what we at the Athens Academy of Performing Bards term, a regular cracked-up.

DR WEEIRD (SARCASTICALLY)

And I suppose you subscribe to the, 'Xena resurrected himself' theory! (LOOSES HIS TEMPER) Well, I have a theory that you're completely delusional.

GABRIELLE

Xena didn't resurrect herself. I helped! She possessed me and we impaled Velasca on these spikes and caught the ambrosia.

DR WEEIRD

So you're possessed then? Interesting. And surprisingly...believable.

THE DR WRITES, 'LARIEL: TIE HER DOWN AND CALL AN EXORCIST'.

DR WEEIRD (ROLLING EYES)

Where is this Velasca person now? Don't tell me, she's alive. She possessed Dogface and resurrected herself.

CALLISTO

Close enough. Last I heard, she was co-starring in the blockbuster action movie, 'Twister'.

DR WEEIRD

Interesting. (YAWNS & GLANCES UP DISINTEREESTLY AS A POLITE KNOCKING IS HEARD ON THE DOOR)

DR WEEIRD

Don't come in. Counselling in session. (GRUMPILY) Progress not being made. I wish I'd never heard of this Xena chap.

A WILD "YI YI YI YI YI" PRECURSORS THE DOOR BEING KICKED OFF ITS HINGES. XENA STROLLS INTO THE OFFICE.

XENA

Was that my cue?

DR WEEIRD (PRACTICALLY HAS A CORONARY)

Who...who are you? Wait, let me guess...

HE STUDIES HIS PATIENTS' REACTIONS. DOGFACE IS HIDING UNDER HIS CHAIR. CALLISTO IS HISSING AND CLAWING THE AIR. ARES IS SLOBBERING AND RUNNING HIS HANDS OVER HIMSELF. GABRIELLE HAS LIGHTED UP LIKE A CANDLE AND RUNS INTO XENA'S OUTSTRETCHED ARMS.

DR WEEIRD (UNABLE TO TEAR HIS EYES FROM THE EMBRACING WOMEN)

Xena, right? I thought you were just a myth.

XENA

So did the guys at the front desk. I set them straight. Well, kinda crooked to be more exact.

DR WEEIRD (SWALLOWS HUGE LUMP IN HIS THROAT)

I thought you were a man.

XENA BENDS DOWN AND HE GETS AN EYEFUL OF SWELLING LEATHER AND UNMENTIONABLES.

XENA

I'm more of a man than you'll ever be.

DR WEEIRD (EYES GLUED TO CLEAVAGE)

In that case - you're the man for me!

XENA TOSSES HIM THROUGH THE WINDOW.

XENA

Just like the other 2 billion, 9 million and 23 thousand...what is it about leather?

SWEEPS GABRIELLE UP INTO ANOTHER TIGHT HUG.

XENA (STERNLY)

What are you in for this time, Gabrielle?

GABRILLE (DISMISSIVELY)

Oh, he though I have a 'Xena Fixation'.

XENA (EYES LIGHT UP)

Like my, 'Gabrielle Addiction'?

GABRIELLE

Is that why you put up with me?

XENA

I love...putting up with you, Gabrielle.

CALLISTO (IN EXASPERATION)

Just say it already! (TO ARES) It's enough to make you sick.

XENA (SPINS AROUND & CATCHES SIGHT OF A COWERING DOGFACE)

It sure is.

GABRIELLE

Let me, Xena. I need the practice.

SHE KICKS HIM IN THE CROTCH & HE BACKS HURRIEDLY AWAY FROM THE NEARBY XENA WHO IS FLEXING HER PINKY - STRAIGHT OUT THE BROKEN WINDOW.

GABRIELLE (MOCK SYMPATHY)

I hope he survives the fifty foot drop. It just might improve his looks.

XENA (GRINS IN AGREEMENT)

What was he in for?

GABRIELLE

Xenaphobia.

XENA

Hmmmm, he was smarter than I thought. (SCOWLS AT ARES & CALLISTO)

What about you two?

CALLISTO

I'm here so I could kill you when you arrived to rescue, 'Lariel'.

XENA (SMIRKS)

Give it your best shot.

CALLISTO (LAUGHS INSANELY)

You got it!

SHE PULLS A MACHINE GUN OUT OF HER CHAINMAIL UNMENTIONABLES AND LETS LOOSE. XENA THROWS HER CHAKRAM AND DEFLECTS ALL THE BULLETS.

ARES (GUSHING)

You're incredible, Xena. Come back to me. Pleassssse? Pretty please with henbane on top?

GABRIELLE

I know you're an immortal, Ares but you really need to get a life. Now about that henbane...

XENA (TUCKS THE BARD AGAINST HER AND FLIPS OUT THE WINDOW)

Oh no you don't, Gabrielle. I'm not having you make me drag you up out of a bottomless well again while you threaten to be sick all over me.

GABRIELLE (POUTS)

You don't want me climbing up your perfect body? You don't want me telling you how beautiful you are?

XENA WRAPS HER ARMS AROUND GABRIELE AND FLIPS THE FIFTY FEET BACK UP THROUGH THE BROKEN WINDOW INTO THE OFFICE.

XENA

Alright, Ares, about that henbane...

ARES (PUFFS CHEST OUT)

I knew you couldn't resist my manhood, Xena.

XENA CUTS OFF THE FLOW OF BLOOD TO HIS 'MANHOOD' & SEARCHES HIS QUIVERING BODY FOR ANY HENBANE.

XENA

He's clean.

GABRIELLE (WRINKLES HER NOSE)

If you say so, Xena. Hey, I just had a great idea. We're in a loony-bing right? They must have all kinds of concoctions for keeping the patients in la-la land! Let's explore!

CALLISTO

Somehow I never had you figured as a druggie, Gabby.

GABRIELLE (PLAINTIVELY)

What other excuse do I have for accidentally touching...er (GLANCES NERVEOUSLY AT XENA WHO IS LISTENING AVIDLY) that is I meant crunching, er munching er uh whatever illegal substances I can get my hands um tongue er ah mouth into er uh on.

CALLISTO (SMIRKS)

Don't you mean whatever censored substances you can get your hands, tongue and mouth into?

ARES (WHINING)

Xena! I'mb allb numb. Could youb let meeb gobe nowb?

XENA (IGNORES HIM)

Gabriellllllle? Answer Callisto's question.

GABRIELLE (SWEATING & LOOKING FOR AN EXIT)

Illegal, censored, what's the difference?

CALLISTIO

I know I'm a goddess, but you two will be the death of me yet. After being stuck in lava for so long, I just can't take the tension. C'mon gals, let it all hang out!

XENA & GABBY (IN UNISON AS THEY SURVEY EACH OTHER'S SKIMPY OUTFITS)

We already are!

ARES

Ib can't take thisb much longer. Xenaaaa, pleasssse?

CALLISTO (BROW PUCKERED AS SHE TRYS TO REMEMBER)

Now that sounds oddly familiar.

ARES

Xeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeennaaaaaaaaaaaaaabb?!

CALLISTO

For the last time you impotent imbecile, it was me in her body, ME!!!

XENA

Look, Gabrielle, there's something I've been meaning to tell you.

GABRIELLE

Shoot. No wait! That's not what I meant.

XENA

I'm falling...

GABRIELLE (CROSSES FINGERS & TOES)

Please don't say, 'out the window'.

XENA (CUTS IN)

That's one helluva mouth you've got there, even for a bard. Are you just chatty or do you have other skills?

GABRIELLE (BLUSHING)

I have many skills.

CALLISTO (SULKILY)

Isn't that Xena's line?

GABRIELLE

Bardic license!

GABRIELLE & XENA LOCK LIPS & DON'T LET GO.

ARES

Ohb phooey! Nowb Ib don't have a chance inb Tartarus.

CALLISTO

You never did, fool.

GABRIELLE (LEANS BACK FOR A HEARTBEAT)

Xena, I hope you don't think I'm some kinda pervert...

XENA (GRINS WIDELY)

I know you, Gabrielle.

GABRIELLE

What are you saying?!

XENA

I love you just the way you are.

FOR ONCE GABRIELLE IS STRUCK SPEECHLESS. CALLISTO PICKS THIS ROMANTIC MOMENT TO SNEAK UP BEHIND THE ENTWINED 'BEST FRIENDS' AND PLUNGE A DAGGER INTO GABRIELLE'S BACK.

GABRIELLE

When was the last time you trimmed your nails, Xena?

CALLISTO CONTINUES TO STAB GABRIELLE, GIGGLING LIKE THE LOON SHE IS. AT LAST SHE SLOWS DOWN AS SHE REALISES NOTHING IS HAPPENING.

CALLISTO (HOWLS IN FRUSTRATION)

I can't do nothin' right!

ARES

That soundsb oddlyb familiar. But whyb would Xenab sayb that?

CALLISTO (POUNCES ON HIM & STABS HIM REPEATEDLY - INEFFECTUALLY)

It was ME! I said that! What kinda Zeus-be-damned knife is this? Die you pathetic excuse for a god and a man! Die!

GABBY COMES UP FOR AIR & XENA SURFACES GROGGILY.

XENA

What's goin' on? Come back here...

GABRIELLE (GIGGLES)

Stop that, Xena. No, I didn't mean it literally, keep going! I think some Orderly replaced Callisto's weapon of choice with a rubber replica.

XENA (WATCHING CALLISTO STAB ARES IN A FRENZY)

She doesn't know what rubber is?

GABRIELLE

Strange, isn't it, considering that she's done it with ol' rubber-boy himself. Ares: mighty god of who could give a damn!

XENA

I guess this is as close to a happy ending as we're ever gonna get. I'm feeling unusuallly sappy - maybe I should let Ares off the hook.

XENA CROSSES TO THE WRITHING WAR GOD AND PREPARES TO RELEASE HIS PRESSURE POINTS.

ARES (DESPERATELY)

Nob Xenab, don'tb! I'mb feelin' niceb and stiffb. I think Ib found a cureb forb...y'knowb.

CALLISTO (STABBING AWAY AND GETTING INTO A RHYTHM)

No she doesn't! I do, because it was me in her body, ME!

GABRIELLE (WHISPERS TO XENA)

She should be committed.

XENA

Do you think we can go home now, Gabrielle - are you all cured?

GABRIELLE

Are you kidding? I'm deranged. I'll always want more...

XENA (CHEERFULLY)

In that case, let's book ourselves in for a few weeks. We need a holiday and a honeymoon.

GABRIELLE (GLINT IN EYE)

But however will you convince them that you're crazy?

XENA

That could be a problem. I know! I'll raze a ward to the ground and decapitate a few doctors, hey? What'll you say to convince them of your insanity?

GABRIELLE

You forget who you're talking too. I'll just open my mouth! Now tell me, Xena, where oh where do you keep your breast dagger?

XENA

Down there. No, not there, further down, further, further, that's it, Gabrielle, keep going, almost ooooh there...

CALLISTO IS ONCE AGAIN SEATED IN 'THE THRONE' CHAIR CONTRAPTION. ARES IS VERY RIGID - BLOOD LEAKS FROM HIS NOSE BUT THERE IS A SILLY GRIN ON HIS FACE. DOGFACE HIDES UNDER HIS CHAIR AND IS FINALLY GOOD LOOKING, WELL IN COMPARISON TO EX-DR WEEIRD AT LEAST. WEEIRD STARES AT XENA'S LUSCIOUS BODY AND DRIBBLES. FORTUNATELY FOR HIM, XENA IS TOO BUSY WITH GABBY TO NOTICE. DR GRAADUATE IS THERE TO LEAD GROUP THERAPY. SHE LOOKS ODDLY NERVOUS.

DR GRAADUATE

Well uh hi. You're all here today because you have something in common. You all suffer from an affliction that we at the University like to term the, 'Xena Fixation'. Miss Callisto wants to quote, 'torture her into Tartarus' unquote, Mr Ares is obsessed with getting Xena back onto his, well er yes, moving right along...Mr um Dogface? He suffers from acute Xenaphobia. Miss Lariel is madly in love with the guy, Miss er (COUGH) 'Xena' actually believes she is him and Dr er sorry, Mr Weeird is both fearful and fascinated by this Xena uh person and is as far as I can make out, a nutball. Interesting...

THE END until GROUP THERAPY II: NEED A XENA FIX, GT III: GABRIELLE ADDICTION and the as yet unfinished, GT IV: PROFESSIONAL HELLP are posted. *EG*

For now, come lie down on this virtual couch and tell me exactly why it is you obssess about Xena, 24 hours a day, 24 days a week...