The Tour: Chapter 2

Going to Hades was harder than one might think. Once in Elysia, most folks stayed. So there really wasn't any coming and going between the judgment zone and the fields themselves.

Then again, Xena was determined.

She knew Gabrielle was dead. She knew that like all the others, she had faced judgment. There could only be three places she could be. Elysius (not here), The judgment zone (not there) and Tartarus.

The God of the Underworld had some explaining to do.

Melosa and her mate, Oriena, joined them. Melosa felt it was her duty. Gabrielle was an Amazon Queen. Her inheritor.

Xena blinked when she saw the Amazons walk out of their hut with a swords in their hands. Then she grinned and shook her head. There was nothing like Amazon practicality.

The warrior touched one of the swords tip with a respectful finger. "Didn't think you needed something like this in Elysia." Her expression was thoughtful.

Melosa laughed. "Xena, Amazons have always been warriors." She twirled the sword in her hand. "Besides, you never know when they might come in handy." Oriena, smiled tightly, and pulled her wolf mask over her golden hair. If they could have, the whole of the Amazon nation would have joined them. There was always something. . .lacking. .in the fields, something that kept the majority from feeling truly happy. Though they all had found some comfort and peace here.

They missed Adventure and Eternity seemed very long without it indeed.

The guards of the judgment zone weren't prepared for the fight. Swords that should never have existed sliced a wide path for Xena and her compatriots. No one had thought to make shields for the guards, not for people returning from Elysia. It took weeks (but who kept track of time?) for some of those guards to find all the pieces to themselves again.

Xena heard a familiar voice make its way just outside the wide double doors before she broke them down. "See that's what I mean. I can help you with that. If you. . ." The doors clanged open with the fierce kick. The man, with a greyed beard and a gleam in his eye, turned to face the noise. "XENA!" He exclaimed.

Xena sneered a hello and stalked up to the throne, "Hello Sal. How ya doing?" She didn't take her eyes off of Hades. The God sunk low into his chair.

The salesman shrugged. "Well you know," he said as he watched the ex-warlord make a beeline towards the God (I didn't know they had swords here. Wonder if there's profit in it.), "I'm dead. Kind of unexpected. Who knew that King Liamus had a thing against Hercules? I'd have probably done better to mention you instead." He smiled nervously as he watched the sword sink low and deep into the God's chest. "Hades and I were just having a nice conversation about how to. . ." His conversation dropped off.

Xena towered over Hades, shoving the sword further in. Her expression was menacing, "Where *is* she?" Her nostrils flared. Her eyes seemed dark with a kind of madness. Hades, though he knew he was a god and couldn't be killed, actually gulped. Gods. She was beautiful. No wonder Ares. . .whoops better not track that way. He had a wife.

He thought about acting innocent and tossed the idea. Better nix this whole thing in the bud. "She's in Tartarus. You can't . . ." Marcus and Perdicus finished off the final guard and stepped in after the two Amazons cut the other one in half.

"TARTARUS!!!" The exclamation came from all of them. He actually felt the sword twist in his insides and paled. Xena's eyes were even more piercing, "What's she doing in Tartarus?!!! She didn't deserve. . ."

Hades spoke quickly. "She put herself there. I just declared the judgment. You put yourself in Elysia. Just like every one who goes to Elysia make the judgment themselves. . ."

"BULL. . ." Was that bone crunching?

"TARTARUS!" Salmoneus, somehow made himself heard above Xena's roar. He cleared his throat mightily when he realized that everyone's attention was on him. It was time to go into sales mode, "Funny you should mention Tartarus." He smiled benignly, "Why Hades and I were just talking about that weren't we. About Tartarus." He nodded, trying to give Hades the hint.

The God was quick. He sat up and the sword sliced down through to his abdomen. He actually winced. (Good Gods, this hurt!) "Yes! Yes! We were. WE were talking about how to solve some problems I've been having in Elysia." He flung his hand out in the direction of the Amazons.

Melosa bristled and stepped forward. "The Amazons have done nothing to. . ."

Hades tried to stand up, but it was kind of hard to do with the sword sticking out of his stomach. He looked up appealingly. Xena grimaced and dug in deeper.

Okay. No standing. He opted for reassuring the Amazon from a sitting position. "No, not like that. It's just. .there seems to be a feeling of . . .dissatisfaction. People are unhappy there and that's not how it's supposed to be. Boredom has never been a problem in Elysia before!"

Xena inhaled deeply and stared down at the God, "Well you know why I'm unhappy and it has nothing to do with boredom. Tell me how to get Gabrielle back." Stab stab stab.

"There is NO going back on the Judgment!" Hades began. He had to keep his authority somehow. It was hard to do. The sword ripped back up again.

"If you don't help me with this I'm going to take you apart piece by piece," Even though that was impossible, malicious energy pulsed off of her body. Gods! She was scaring him.

Salmoneus stepped up on the dais and very carefully began pushing angry warrior back, "Xena. Xena. Xena. I'm sure we can work something out. Why don't you let me talk to Hades here. I'm sure we can come to a mutual agreement here." He looked to the side and spotted Marcus. He whispered loudly, "Someone Help me here!" Then he smiled at Hades. Didn't hurt to get on a God's good side.

Somehow the urgency of Salmoneus' voice convinced Marcus to trust him. The warrior stepped forward and gentled Xena back. "Let him talk to the God, Xena. Give it a chance." He glared at Hades then turned back to the angry woman, "We'll try it your way if it doesn't work." Hades blanched.

Salmoneus talked faster and harder than he ever had in his life. The idea was simple enough. Tours. If the people of Elysia were bored, maybe they needed to get out more. Not back to the mortal plane, but surely they could go someplace in the underworld that was . ..interesting. And wasn't Tartarus interesting? Hades protested that Tartarus was dangerous, Nine Levels of increasing danger at that, but Salmoneus pointed out that everyone was dead already.

It could be an adventure. Melosa's eyebrows went up. Oriena pulled the mask off of her face. They shared a look of intense interest.

Real Interest. Life Affirming. . .Interest.

If this worked, the Amazons would be first in line.

Salmoneus continued. They could send people in. If they got stabbed or wounded, they'd go right back to the fields and let the next set of folks in line go. Marcus even looked interested. Perdicus blinked and looked thoughtful. He weighed the sword in his hand.

Xena stepped forward, hearing the possibility for a loophole. "Make that a mortal wound. I mean," she tried to sound reasonable, "what's a nick in the arm gonna do. Make it something a body would die of. They could even go through the effects, if it appealed to them." Hades frowned. Xena grinned evilly, "Some folks are into pain. You want them to be. . .Happy . .don't you." The God nodded slowly, a little disbelievingly.

Hades saw a problem and spoke up, "I could send them back to earth if I was going to do that."

"Yea, but," Salmoneus started and then he reminded Hades of his other problem. There were a variety of animal like creatures in Tartarus which were becoming quite numerous. Okay, bursting at the seams numerous. The Locals apparently couldn't keep the numbers down. Well, it was worse than that. The Locals were getting eaten. Hades heard from his sources that the "return" process was hellaciously painful for the souls. Made him wince in sympathy to even think about it.

The "tourist" could hunt them, cut down their numbers. Make it less likely for those . . things. .to come back up through the portal. It would give people, like the Amazons, something worthwhile to do and help the Underworld. And look, wasn't it convenient, here were a couple of Amazons and some willing volunteers to test the theory on. "Right?"

Xena grinned. A light seemed to flash in her eyes. She pointed at her friends. "If Tartarus is so dangerous, one life doesn't seem fair. How about five?"

Hades shook his head, "No. That's too many. I'd never get you. . I mean them. .out of there. Two."

Xena leaned forward, putting on her best bargainer face, "Four."

"Three."

"Deal!" Salmoneus shouted. He looked at Xena, who was glaring, and shrugged, "It's fair. It's fair. I should know." He pointed at himself and appealed psychically (though she didn't hear him) to her better interests. 'Please please please.'

Xena pursed her lips, inhaled and nodded. "Three." She pointed at her friends and then at herself, "Each."

Hades grinned, despite himself. He hadn't had this much fun in eons. He really did have to get out more. "Done." He said. Then he looked thoughtful. Really thoughtful. He stood up. It was a much easier process without an angry woman poking a sword through his chest. He tapped his chin and snapped his fingers, realizing what was missing.

"A tour guide."

Everyone blinked.

"You need tour guide. You're going to Tartarus, for Zeus' sake. You need someone who knows the ropes. I've got the perfect . .uh. .," What was the right description, "individual," There. That was safe, "in mind. It. . .I mean, she, has been to all nine levels and back." He frowned and then smiled slowly, "Quite an accomplishment that. Even for one of," He looked back at them as if he were really seeing them for the first time, "*her* kind."

He smiled. It wasn't reassuring at all. But Marcus was grinning from ear to ear and Perdicus felt a spark of something he hadn't in awhile. Maybe this is what had been missing.

Salmoneus spoke. "You know, if this works, we could probably come up for things that feel. . dangerous. .in Elysia." His eyes rolled up as his mouth rattled off, "Mountain climbing. Bridge Jumping. I mean we could.. ."

"Salmoneus! Save it!" Xena barked. The salesman came out from his vision and looked thoughtful.

"Supply stores." His mind worked like a merchant's. He looked at Xena, "We'll need supplies."

Hades spoke, "I can take care of that." Salmoneus looked like he was about to speak up and the God smiled with an new understanding, "for now." Maybe there was more to life than bliss or maybe. . .everyone had their own version of it. He snapped his fingers and a backpack and weapons filled a space in front of each human being.

Salmoneus started to protest, "Hey wait a minute, I'm just a. . "

"It was your idea. You should test it out." Hades smiled benignly and wrapped a friendly arm around the man, "Besides, think of all the notes you could take, the ideas. . ." The salesman began to smile. He'd always thought of himself as an idea man. Yes. This could work.

"Uhm, can I take the no pain option?"

Hades grinned. "Sure."