WARNINGS AND DISCLAMERS

Xena and Gabrielle ate trail rations for lunch while they continued to ride. Xena wanted to put as many miles between them and any of Brantius' archers that she knew had gotten away. If they didn't know the warlord was dead they might still try to collect the bounty he'd offered and if they did know of his death they might want revenge. Either way it was just too dangerous for her and Gabrielle to stay anywhere in the area.

That night Xena found a place, with a small stream, to set up camp. Xena started to unpack their things from the mare's back. She then removed the saddle and bridle and turned her loose to graze. Gabrielle walked over and started picking up some of their things, from where Xena had laid them, and started to set up the camp.

Xena collected some wood and started the fire that they would need for cooking and heating water.

"Xena don't forget the waterskins are nearly empty." The bard reminded the warrior.

"I'll go get the water now so we can heat some for tea. I'll be right back." The warrior then picked up the near empty waterskins and headed to the stream to refill them. Xena was trying to decide what she was going to do about the battlelust that she was barely keeping under control, especially with the bard's body being next to hers in the saddle all day.

When the warrior returned to camp she put some of the water by the fire to heat for tea and to use to clean the bard's back. Gabrielle was putting her finishing touches on the camp. "Gabrielle I need to see if I can find us something to eat. I sure don't want trail rations after eating that all day."

Xena headed into the woods to see what she could find for dinner that the bard might like. The honey-blonde hadn't seemed at all interested in the rabbit or fish that she'd caught lately. Xena continued to consider her problem and decided that it was probably time to try to explain it to Gabrielle. The warrior was afraid if it got out of hand that she might scare the small bard or maybe worseÖ she didn't even want to think about that. Gabrielle has to knowÖ it's for her own safety, just in case. Xena decided.

Xena finally managed to get a couple of quail for their dinner. The warrior cleaned her catch and headed back to camp.

Gabrielle was in her usual spot on her bedroll writing in her scrolls, she only glanced up as Xena came into camp.

Xena put the quail on to cook and then sat down by the bard. "Gabrielle could we talk for a few minutes?" the warrior asked.

Gabrielle laid down her quill and moved her scrolls out of the way and answered, "Sure. Does it have anything to do with the way you've been acting lately? The bard asked.

"YeahÖ I figured we'd been together too long for you not to have noticed the mood I've been in and I didn't want it to scare you if at all possible." The warrior stated studying her boots, not wanting to look into Gabrielle's eyes.

"Xena you haven't done anything that has scared me, you never have. Sometimes I've found some of the things you've done a little worrisome but not necessarily scary. You've been harsh with me a few times, but it was always for my own good." The bard appeared thoughtful.

"Gabrielle this is a little different than anything you've seen so far and I'm not real sure how to explain it." The warrior paused trying to figure out what would be the best way to approach this without frightening or worrying the bard. "GabrielleÖ you do remember how I acted during the time we were fighting the horde." Xena questioned, knowing that Gabrielle would probably never forget, but trying to give her some idea of the direction that the conversation was headed and an idea of what she was trying to explain.

"Xena that was one of the most frightening times in my life. That was the only time I ever really worried that I might not live to write the adventure down in my scrolls. I'd never seen you act like that and your actions did frighten me a little, but not for my safety. I worried that all the effort and work that you'd put into finding redemption would be undoneÖ I was frightened for you." The bard explained.

"Gabrielle it was frightening for me too. I felt the darkness reach out and touch me and it was just too easy to give into it and so difficult to fight it. That same kind of darkness is calling me again and I've been trying to fight it." the warrior explained. "Gabrielle there are some warriors that seem to thrive on the battle and blood letting. It intoxicates them with what warrior's call 'battlelust'. Have you ever heard of the term or its meaning?" the warrior questioned.

"I heard the term used while I was with the Amazon's, although I really don't understand what it is." Gabrielle replied.

"Gabrielle battlesÖ especially emotionally driven battles causes a warrior's passions and adrenaline to soar. It makes a warrior feel invincible, it gives them a feeling of power and they want more. This feeling don't end with the battle; it tends to feed off the battle making it even stronger. The emotions, passions and adrenaline each, feed off the others, pushing each of them even higher. It becomes so strong that a warrior becomes drunk or intoxicated with it, it can drive them out of controlÖ it needs an outlet." Xena wasn't at all sure she was making any sense to the bard, but she was trying.

"After the build up of passions and adrenaline, produced by the battle, it's hard to shut it back down. It will drive them to celebrate just being alive when the battle is over. I'm trying to explain what the warrior feels when they walk from a field of carnage and they are one of the few still alive." The warrior looked into the jade green eyes to see if Gabrielle understood anything what she was trying to tell her.

Gabrielle was looking at the warrior with rapt attention. The bard knew that the warrior was doing her best to explain. The honey-blonde had never known Xena to talk this much or this long about anything.

"When we fought the horde you got just a glimpse of the warlord that I used to be. Gabrielle the stories you've heard about me are mostly true and most aren't near as bad as it really was." The warrior continued to study the bard's face and reactions looking for any sign Gabrielle understood what she was saying.

"Xena despite what you may have done in the past you're not like that any more." Gabrielle said reassuringly.

"I know that once I promised not to go crazy and seek revenge if something happened to you, butÖ" the warrior again looked down studying her boots.

"It's Brantius isn't it? I was wondering when you where going to tell me what happened to him and how you got me back from him and his men." The bard said simply. There was no anger or accusations in her voice.

"YesÖ part of it is about Brantius. Gabrielle it was my fault that he had you and wanted to hurt and kill you to get back at me and I just couldn't let that happen. I had to watch as they whipped you twice and it made my blood boil with rage that I couldnít get to you and help you or to them to make them stop hurting you. There was no doubt in my mind that he had every intention of killing both of us when he was through playing his sick game of torture." Gabrielle could see the quiet tears as they rolled off the warrior's cheeks.

"He didn't show up at the last place that he sent me to and I was afraid he might have already killed you. It took me several candlemarks to find their trail and track them to their camp. When I did find the camp I sent the men off with a one-way passage to Hades as I searched the tents trying to find you. I finally found you in Brantius' tent and I tied him up and left him while I found the others and sent them to Hades. I returned and gave him the same 40 lashes I'd had to watch given to you." The warrior confessed as she watched her booted foot shuffle the dirt at her feet.

"Xena I'm sure you did what you thought was right, but just whipping the man wouldn't kill him or stop him from coming after us again and you said 'he wouldn't be back'." Gabrielle replied.

"I turned Brantius loose and gave him his sword and a chance to fight for his life. That's when he told me that you were a virgin and that he had raped you." The warrior sat silent waiting for the bard's reply to her confession.

"Xena I've known you for more than two cycles and I find it hard to believe that you'd kill anyone without a very good reason and it's always been to save lives." Gabrielle said. "This time it was my life."

The warrior was confused at the lack of condemnation from the little honey-blonde-haired bard, but now it was time to finish what she was trying to tell the bard. "Gabrielle what Brantius and his men did to you and my need to save you and seek revenge on those men fueled my 'battlelust'. It's worse than when we fought the horde I was only afraid then that you'd be hurt and killed by those animals. These men had you and hurt you while they made me watch. I had no doubt that Brantius meant to kill youÖ I could feel the anger and bloodlust of the old warlord growing inside of me and I turned that loose on those men to save your life if possible. Now I'm having some trouble with the after effects of the 'battlelust'." The warrior was trying to explain the burning lust she could feel inside.

"Is that why you've seemed edgy and tense lately?" The bard asked.

"Gabrielle the tension isn't the 'battlelust', it's being caused from trying to control the darkness of the 'battlelust'." The warrior explained.

"Then maybe I still don't really understand what you're trying to tell me." the bard said confused.

"The 'battlelust is usually the driving force that causes warriors to get blind staggering drunk, or to rape and torture after a battle. Your own imagination, as good as it is, couldn't begin to cover all the possible ways that warriors vent their 'battlelust'. I guess to a sane sober person it would seem that the demon's of Tartarus had just been set loose on them." Xena thought Gabrielle was starting to understand what she was trying to tell her even if she didn't seem to fully understand what caused it because Gabrielle wasn't a warrior and didn't have a warrior's heart. It was only important that Gabrielle understand the depth of the darkness. Maybe if the warrior lost control and Gabrielle realized what she was up against, she might be able to defend herself.

"Xena is this what you're going through now?" the bard questioned with apprehension in her voice.

"YesÖ it's important that you understand how the darkness takes over you mind, body and soul. It's all consuming kind of darkness that can be very cold, impersonal and uncaring of its victims. Battlelust makes you want to take, dominate, control and possess everything and everyone. Those things which are usually forbidden tend to be the more desirable so that you can feel the rush of conquering, dominating and power over them." The warrior tried to explain.

"I think I'm beginning to understanding what you're trying to tell me," the bard said with what sounded like fear tingeing her voice. "Xena am I in any danger from youÖ that is what you're trying to warn me of isn't it?"

"YesÖ so far I've controlled it, but I do have times that it scares me and I feel like I'm loosing my sanity to the darkness and it makes me fear for you safety. Gabrielle please be careful and protect yourself at all costs. If the darkness does win I won't be able to control it and you won't be safe." The warrior was again studying her boots unable to look into the bard's eyes afraid of what she might see. There just wasn't anyway to say it any plainer without confessing her love for the bard and she just wasn't ready to make that kind of declaration to this young girl. "Well we'd better eat our dinner before it completely burns."

² Copyrighted January 1998 by DelShannon